February 23, 2016

Our baby boy is due in three weeks. Wow. wowwowwowwowwow. A lot of people have been asking me how I feel, and the past couple times I've caught myself responding, "Everything." I do, I feel.. everything. I feel tired, but not always. I still feel a lot of pain in my back. I feel more excited than I can explain. I feel nervous because what's coming is so unknown. I feel anxious. How do I prepare for the unknown!? I feel very, very in love. With Stefan and our son. I feel our baby pushing up against me all day long. I feel very, very loved by our family and sweet friends. I feel spoiled by them. I feel overwhelmed at the outpouring of generosity and thoughtfulness and care that comes our way, full speed, every day. I feel so blessed to have experienced this pregnancy and to have a little baby joining our forever family. I feel guilty because in some moments I really, really, really want my old body back. I feel everything.

I was caught off guard when I got emotional doing laundry this morning. I stared down into the washing machine filled exclusively with baby clothes, tiny socks, swaddling blankets. I stood there and I stared and I thought, I have a son... and I am doing his laundry. For the next twelve years, I will be doing this sweet little boy's laundry. (Because yeah, I'm a pretty firm believer in pulling your own weight with chores around the house. If I haven't taught my son how to operate a washing machine by the time he's twelve, we'll all be in big trouble.)

Some days I have a ton of energy and I cross everything off my to-do list. Some days.

One day last week I fell into a major funk. I fell hard. The last month and a half my main jobs have been to set up our new home and get all things baby ready to go. Most of the time, I love that and I thrive on it and I'm good at it. But one day last week, I felt like none of it mattered. I felt like, if I don't get our pictures and art hung up on the walls in the perfect arrangement, no one will notice. No one will care. Nothing will change whether it happens or it doesn't. If everything in the baby's room isn't ready by the time he comes, who cares. He won't sleep in there for a while anyway. I looked around at the things I had accomplished - the clean laundry, the unloaded dishwasher, the kitchen full of groceries, and I thought.. is this it? Have I already fallen so quickly into a totally mundane routine of just keeping the house in order? Is that my whole purpose now? I cried it out, and after a while Stefan came in to reassure me. He reminded me how important all this stuff I'm doing actually is. How it does matter that our apartment is clean, that it feels like our home. He said a lot of good stuff, and I won't type it all here. But the good stuff he said really helped me. I still felt a little off the rest of the day, though. Later when Stefan asked me what I needed I told him I needed to try again tomorrow. Sometimes that's all you can do. Sometimes those funks really get you.

All these feelings can be pretty overwhelming, and awfully exhausting. But of course I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love that I can feel so much. I'm grateful for what all these feelings mean. I have all these feelings because there is a little miracle growing inside me. A little miracle I get to meet really, really soon.


Leah said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

this is so exciting. three weeks! sorry you had a rough day last week. Stefan is totally right though - keeping the house in order is incredibly important work. for the past month or so, I have been working while my husband has been staying home (he was still looking for work) and he was feeling pretty down about having "nothing to do", but he totally didn't realize that what he was doing to keep the house clean and in order made such a huge difference. obviously we dont have a baby on the way so it's not the same, but just know that from the other side of the situation, I can attest that what you're doing is HUGE. and I'm glad Stefan is appreciating it! also, some stressful days at work I start feeling like things are pointless and I wish I could just leave and focus on the "life" side of my "work/life balance". i think there are always "off" days no matter what you're focusing on in life. you're totally right, sometimes you just need to try again tomorrow. some days i just have to leave work early and get my head in the game for the next day, and that's okay! anyway, it sounds like your heart is so full and i'm so happy for you!

Erin van de Graaff said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Leah Thanks, Leah! It always feels good to hear that kind of thing from more than one person. I do feel like what I'm doing is important. I think I'm realizing this is just another transition in life that is going to take some time to get used to. I had been always working and going to school full time for so long that I was definitely used to having responsibilities, deadlines, expectations. Right now I don't really have anyone holding me accountable for how I spend my time, and that's actually been really strange and tough for me. Slowly, I'm figuring it out. And undoubtedly everything will change when the baby finally comes, so I'll readjust again. Ah, life. :)

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