December 10, 2016

I just started writing a big long post about how we've all been sick this week. So sick. I had lots of details. Deleted it for everyone's sake. Being sick is the worst! Especially when it hits so hard and so quickly and we're all looking at each other like, take care of me! No, you take care of me! And someone take care of this baby!

The worst of it is over. But I still don't have much of an appetite, and I can't kick my headache. And I'm really tired. Honestly, I think Peter handled this week the best of all of us. Except he seems to be back to his half hour nap tricks.. until he crashes at 3:30PM. 

It's so weird to not write for a while because then I forget how to do it. Do I want to share a lot or a little? Too much and it's.. too much. Too little and, why write at all?

I want to write about how I keep having thoughts or funny little experiences I want to share with someone, but I feel like I don't have anyone. I always have Stefan, I know that. But he and I have had lots of conversations about how we need other people in our lives, too. We need our family and friends and acquaintances - we know we can't wear every hat for each other. I just get so lonely sometimes. Which is always interesting to me because I one hundred percent consider myself an introvert. In order to thrive, I need more alone time than just about anyone I know. But still, I get lonely. I get feeling like no one thinks of me, like no one wants me around. (Again, not Stefan! I'm talking on some sort of other level here that is maybe difficult to explain or understand.) Sometimes I feel that way and I think, "I wish someone would call or show up right now. It would mean so so so much to me." And then I almost automatically remember that I never do those things for others. I am terrible at being there for others! I am not the person people go to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I'm the worst at being thoughtful. I'm the worst at reaching out. Even sometimes when I feel lonely I think of all the people I could reach out to who I'm pretty sure would be happy to be there for me. But I can't. I get too scared that I'll interrupt their evening or make them uncomfortable or.. something.

Part of it might be that I feel like I've never had a best friend. I have lots of good friends. Friends I definitely consider "best friends." But I'm talking about a, singular, mutually agreed upon and somewhat exclusive best friend. You know, like I don't want to call this friend up when I'm lonely and have them say, sorry I'm busy or I'm with another friend. If they were my best friend I would already know that. If they were my best friend they wouldn't be busy or be with another friend because they would have already recognized I was going to need them and showed up at my door before I asked. You know? Like that. Are those real? I think to start getting those things I want, I need to start giving them. Or, you know.. being them. That sounds hard and probably uncomfortable at first, I'll have to think on it.

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